Is this an all too familiar scenario? Hot and heavy loving with hungry kisses and tender caresses that promise orgasmic bliss for both you and your eager partner when all of a sudden you're one thrust past the edge, the dam bursts and it's over. You're finished, "spent" and ready for sleep. She's still waiting for more, perhaps wistfully contemplating a purchase of that acrylic vibrating dildo her friend has been raving about.

Well, you're not alone in this too-quick-for-her-climax intercourse. The "average" man makes about 50 thrusts before he ejaculates. For most women it takes approximately 10 minutes of active intercourse to reach orgasm. Even the most optimistic lover can see these numbers just don't add up! But don't roll over and nod off yet, there are some simple things you can do to bring your partner and you much closer together.

These male/female discrepancies in timing are part physiological and part habit. Physically men's and women's arousal rates vary widely, but for the most part women become fully turned on much more slowly than men. So a great way to make sure you're both happy with your love life is to include lots of foreplay. Help her reach orgasm with your fingers, tongue, and lips before you even start to have intercourse.

Secondly, most men's experience with sex starts out as rather furtive masturbation, a quick release in the bathroom or under the bedcovers before someone can see what's going on. Then onto early sexual experiences with a girlfriend in back seats of cars or in a basement rec room, again in a hurry, before she changes her mind or her parents come along to change it for her.

Now when you have the time and space for long lovemaking good old John Thomas is still back in the "I've gotta come now" days, and he's not going to slow down just because you tell him to. That's like asking a guy who's trained as a sprint champ to bring home a gold in the 5000 meter instead. He may well be able to make the shift but he's going to need coaching. You can train him with your mind, your muscles and your breath or a combination of all three. It's not entirely up to you either, your loving partner can assist, after all it's for her benefit as well!

The first step is to become aware of your own levels of arousal. Experiment, take your time and give yourself a very real self-loving exploration, not just a quick masturbatory release. Notice how your penis moves through distinct changes before orgasm and ejaculation, he's not just soft and then hard and spewing.

There are four defined stages of erection: lengthening and filling; swelling; full erection; rigid erection. The fourth stage, rigid erection, characterized by a penis that's very stiff (a boner) and very hot, signifies ejaculation is close at hand. Through attentive self-arousal and the playful hands of your sweetheart you can learn how to stay for longer periods of time in the exciting, but less explosive, third stage of firm erection. When you feel yourself moving into the hard, hot level stop stimulation, relax and pay attention to your breathing. Breathe slowly and deeply.

The Power of Breath
Conscious breathing is a key for extended lovemaking. Rapid breathing excites and arouses you. Slow, controlled breathing, way down into your belly, calms you and helps delay ejaculation. Focusing on your breath takes your attention away from your genitals. Synchronizing your breathing rhythm with your partner's strengthens your connection with each other. Adding sound to your breathing can also help you ride the edge of pleasure. As you exhale send out a deep lion roar. Feel the sound come from your scrotum, up through your belly and lungs and out your mouth as a powerful release of the orgasmic tension building inside you.

You can use some of the following "muscle techniques" to postpone ejaculation as well.

PC (pubococcygeous) Muscle Contraction
This is simply squeezing your pelvic floor muscles, around the scrotum, penis and anus as you feel ejaculation approaching. An easy way to practice this is to interrupt your urine stream when you are going to the bathroom.

Perineum Pressure
Pressing on the perineum, a spot midway between your scrotum and your anus, will help to stop ejaculation because this spot reaches through to the prostate gland. It is the prostate that contracts and expands during orgasm and then expels the ejaculation fluid. Ask your partner to apply this loving pressure for you.

Testes Tug
When a man nears orgasm his scrotum rises up closer to his body. You can delay ejaculation by gently pulling your testes down and away from your body. Your partner can also do this for you.

Penis Tip Squeeze
Squeezing your penis just below the head or glans can help to stop oncoming ejaculation. It necessitates withdrawing completely from your partner during intercourse, but is an excellent way to begin practice on your own with masturbation.

Passion Pump
This technique, which combines squeezing the PC muscles, rolling your eyes upward, touching your tongue to the roof of your mouth, and visualizing your sexual energy flowing up through your body while you practice controlled deep breathing is one of the most effective ways of delaying ejaculation. It's a Taoist sexual kung fu technique that has the added benefit of helping you circulate your sexual energy through your body rather than having it remain hot and heavy in your genital region.

Special Tip
It is easier to delay ejaculation by focusing on moving your sex energy through your body rather than focusing on not ejaculating. Stopping movement, relaxing a little and breathing deeply and slowly will all aid with this practice.

The Importance of the Prostate Gland
When you practice delaying ejaculation it is very important to massage the prostate gland, so that it doesn't become sore. You can do this by pressing on the perineum. The prostate can be felt as a bumpy walnut shape beneath your fingers. Especially delightful is massaging in circular motions, first clockwise and then counterclockwise, with a piece of folded silk on the perineum spot.

Thrusting Technique
A superb thrusting technique that brings great pleasure to a woman and helps a man to last is a combination of deep and shallow thrusts. By shallow thrusts we mean your penis only enters 11/2 to 2 inches inside your partner. These first couple of inches are the most sensitive part of a woman's vagina. Deep thrusts mean your penis enters as fully as you can.

In this technique you combine a series of nine fairly quick shallow thrusts with one slow deep one. The shallow thrusts stimulate your partner's most sensitive vaginal tissues and at the same time create a vacuum effect that makes her ache for the deep thrust to come. And because most of your thrusts are shallow ones, exciting only the first few inches of your penis, you're able to rock on for much longer!

Mind over Muscle
Practicing squeezing your PC muscles will enable you to gradually become so familiar with your genitals, that you will be able to discern each separate muscle group and contract/relax them at will. At first you will tighten your genitals and everything will contract at once. Later you will be able to contract your anal muscles without moving your penis or scrotum, or pull up your scrotum while your anus and penis remain relaxed, or bob your penis up and down while nothing else moves. Eventually just a thought will relax everything, especially your smooth genital muscles, sending your hot sexual energy shooting through your body, not out the end of your penis, but instead into your partner through eye contact, intercourse, or touching.

Smooth muscles are internal muscles over which you normally have no conscious control. You may not have been aware that you have smooth muscles. They're muscles like your heart muscle, the muscles that push your food through your digestive tract and the muscles that push the sperm and semen out the end of your penis. Becoming aware of your smooth muscles and eventually gaining enough mastery to be able to consciously keep them relaxed will enable blood to flow into the penis, maintaining an erection almost indefinitely - certainly long enough to satisfy the most demanding partner, through and through. Gaining control over the smooth muscles in your genitals is the key to maintaining your peak sexual arousal for long periods of time -- even long enough to experience whole body orgasms, rather than simply genital orgasms. In a whole body orgasm your entire body becomes an exquisite erogenous zone, much like your genitals always are. You can actually reach orgasm when your lover is rubbing your chest, or sucking on your toes and fingers, or nibbling your ears and throat. The magical key to opening the doorway into multiple whole body orgasms is relaxation of your smooth muscles, no matter how aroused, excited, or turned on you are.

Train your mind to think of something other than ejaculation. Thinking "I don't want to ejaculate" is still thinking about ejaculation. You must have something else to focus your attention. We don't recommend reciting sports stats or in any way diverting your attention from lovemaking. It is essential that you be fully present from moment to moment. But instead of thinking about ejaculation, or worrying about ejaculating too quickly, we suggest you think about pleasing your partner. Learn to take pleasure for yourself in the pleasing of your partner. Notice how she reacts when your tongue is exploring around her clitoris, but also notice how her clitoris feels on your tongue. Notice how she enjoys when you suck on her nipples, but also notice how her breasts feel pressed against your face. Notice how she moans when you gently run your fingers up the inside of her thighs, but also notice how her skin feels so soft and warm against your fingers. With your attention fully engaged in this way - on your partner, your breath, your genital muscles -- you are going to last a long time. As your lovemaking goes on, and on, and on... perhaps for hours, the energy within you and between you and your lover will accumulate to such an intense level that you may spontaneously experience the opening of your higher "spiritual" centres. With this opening comes an experience of ecstasy, bliss, joy, and wonder. This is where mastery of ejaculation can lead you and your satisfied partner.

Al Link and Pala Copeland own and operate 4 Freedoms Relationship Tantra. They regularly host Tantra Sacred Loving weekends near Ottawa Canada, and weeklong retreats in exotic locations around the planet. For more information call toll free from Canada or USA: 1-800-684-5308 International long distance: 1-819-689-5308. Visit their website http://www.tantra-sex.com/ or send email: 4freedoms@tantraloving.com Their book, Soul Sex: Tantra for Two, is published by New Page Books, 2003.

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